Does your husband have it coming? Has he been super snarky and grumpy? Does he need to learn a little lesson he won’t soon forget? Yes? But what can you possibly do, you might ask. You don’t really want to kill him. You just want to make his life miserable for a few hours. If this is a situation in which you find yourself, I have a solution for you. I can tell you how to poison your husband without actually killing him. This method will clean him out from top to bottom, make his throat scratchy and hoarse and leave him moaning and repenting on the couch all night.
As added benefits, it will cure him of drinking out of the jug and your girlfriends will thank you. Why will they thank you? Because your husband will tell their husbands how you tried to kill him and those husbands will then shape up right quick lest their wives poison them too.
It really is embarrassingly easy. Almost no effort is needed on your part. As long as he likes to drink juice and drink it out of the jug, you are set. Here are the basic items you will need:
1) an apple juice jug
2) cooking oil
I know what you're thinking. That's it? That's too easy! Yes, it really is that easy. As with most things in life, there's no need to overcomplicate it. Simplicity. That is the key.
I will put this in action for you so you know how it works and can make your own plans. The next time you fry something, save the oil and put it in an empty apple juice jug. Store it away for a couple of months. If you don’t have a couple of months, just empty an apple juice jug and fill it half full of cooking oil.
Now it's showtime. Make something yummy for dinner. How about some chicken flautas with a green chili enchilada sauce and sour cream and cheese sprinkled on top? If you have 40 leftover flour tortillas from the father-son campout, this recipe is a great way to use them up.
The next part is crucial. Plan your alibi. Think of or invent somewhere you need to go as soon as your husband comes home. Perhaps your daughter has her church activity days meeting that night. Perfect. Just set the scene and get yourself out of the house. Why is this so important? There are several reasons. First, when the poisoning is about to take place, you don't want to inadvertently let the cat out of the bag by some nervous giggle or unnatural behavior on your part. Second, you don't want your 8-year-old daughter, who could potentially be smarter than your husband, to alert him to what he is about to do. Third, you don’t want to risk having a last-minute change of heart and intervene at the last moment. And last, you need to be far far away from the scene of the crime so you can feign astonishment with a convincing degree of credibility.
Are you with me still? Ok, so let’s get it set up. Leave the frying pan with oil on the stove. Don't worry about cleaning up the kitchen. Just leave it messy. Place the jug of oil on the counter. Be sure to leave the apple juice label on. (By the way, the oil does not have to be cold for this to work. See I told you this was easy!)
When your husband comes home, tell him dinner is on the table and that you have to leave and will be back in an hour. Immediately leave the house. You’ve set the trap and now it is time for your husband to walk right into it. I know it sounds a little unbelievable. No one in their right mind would possibly do this! Who would drink oil thinking it was apple juice? Wouldn’t he notice the strong smell of oil as he went for a drink? Wouldn’t he recoil the very moment it touched his lips? Wouldn’t the fact that it wasn’t cold alert him to something being off? These are all valid questions but they are irrelevant. Like a creature of habit, your husband will not take time to process these considerations until the self-inflicted poison is running down his throat.
When you do arrive home, your reaction is very important. He will accuse you of poisoning him. You need to be prepared to dismiss these allegations. You must act astonished. You must alternate between hysterical laughter, sympathy and horror. Look at him with an incredulous expression and say something like, “You did what?! How did you not know as soon as it touched your mouth?"
Be careful not to act too calm about it. Refrain from saying things like, “I see you took the bait, you old dog.” Or “Boy, you made that too easy didn’t you?”
And by all means, wait until you are around the corner and out of sight to do your victory fist pump.
This is Isaiah. This picture was snapped while he was singing about shaking his booty. He is three. Where does this stuff come from? This kid is so naughty and yet so stinking cute and adorable at the same time. He also cracks me up with his arsenal of insults and taunts. There was the "stoppy pants" stage (go figure on what that means) and of course "poopy pants." That one he used on his nursery leaders as he was exiting the nursery room. I think he meant it in a fun, playful way but, um, I don't think they saw the humor in it. Now we have moved to calling people "baby head" and taunting kids at church with, "Hey, you can't get me gingerbread man!"
